This weekend, the citizens
of Anna Maria Island were besieged by members of the notorious
and ruthless Fairview Gang, causing panic, mayhem and fear into
this otherwise tranquil and peaceful community. The card holding
members of the gang, numbering in the hundreds by some accounts,
are reported to have laid waste to area beaches, restaurant's
and down town streets causing citizens to lock their doors and
windows and to barricade themselves into the nearest safe place
of refuge.
The Fairview Gang, known world
wide for their erratic behavior, temper tantrums and their ridiculous
nick names were headquartered originally out of Fairfax, Virginia
in the late 60's & early 70's and have active members currently
in at least twenty states nationwide.
Once a year, this gang of misfits,
sociopaths and degenerates, with utter disregard for human safety,
plan a social event, a reunion of sorts, they refer to as Floridaze.
The city of choice this year, Anna Maria Island, lays in ruins,
has requested and received disaster relief for the devastation
caused by this gang of hoodlums.
Beaches were reported to be
abandoned, mothers screaming with child in arms fleeing aimlessly,
bars and restaurants closed, local stores and homes with For
Sale signs reported in the thousands, the entire economy of this
sleepy community wiped out in a matter of days after their arrival.
Local police, State Police and the National Guard were completely
helpless in their attempt to subdue and control the unruly Gang
members and were forced to stand by and watch as the City, once
a symbol of prosperity and good will, fell in to the hands of
these heathen nogooders.
Attempts to arrest members of
the gang were met with immediate retaliation, resulting in approximately
30 injuries reported to local law enforcement personnel, 10 of
which immediately resigned from their force. All the injuries
are reported to have been caused by the female members of the
gang while the male members, most drunk, passed out or in a drunken
stupor, guarded the booze and told stories of their past gang
activities.
A reward for the apprehension
of these purported criminals dead or alive has been offered by
the local Chamber of Commerce. If you have seen any of the following
members of this gang, please call Americas Most Wanted immediately
@ 555-555-5555. Your identity will remain secret. Do not attempt
to approach these morons as all are considered armed and stupid.
The true names of the gang members
are unknown, each referring to the other with alias's. Have you
seen any of these fools? They are all gonna be late for work!!!
All police sketches by Mark
"Warhol" Smith
Jr. - AKA Snot Rocket,
AKA Stinky, AKA Blondie, AKA Flame Thrower
Age - over 50 for sure! Hair - says its blond, (Yeah right!)
Eyes - blood shot red, height - short little bastard, weight
- before or after supper? Reported to be a now unemployed musician.
When spotted by boss, claims to be a DJ. Has wife threatening
to leave him after this. Lost his favorite tennis shoes when
room mate threw them out window. Can run really fast! by himself.
Loves them damn oysters. Advise walking up-wind from suspect,
(got gas) suspected peeping tom. Drinks Big Ass wine. Favorite
Song - He writes them all. Last known address- Who the hell knows?
Ask him!
Podman - AKA Hyperman,
AKA Starbucks (coffee), AKA Wings
Age-50 something. Hair- really long, white like beard. Eyes-Don't
look him in the eyes! Height- 12 drum sticks high. Weight-Better
be an ounce or he won't buy it.
Plays drums, Sings, hates his Frukking boss, Goes to LSU games
in spare time, wife loves him. Hates wake-up calls, Runs real
fast too, Martial arts expert purported to have crushed a box
of Kleenex with his bare hands, Threatened to maim a man for
taking his coffee, nervous habit of playing drums on steering
wheel and inanimate objects, Favorite song- Stand up-Jethro Tull,
Last known address- Way out in the sticks.
E-mail, AKA Email,
AKA eMail, AKA emale, AKA emaily, AKA One Liner
Age-Same as above but not the same, Hair- Long not as white as
Podman, Eyes-Hair in way, can't see them, Weight-same as JR.
Height- That sumbitch is tall!
Plays Bass, had a nice wedding, think wife loves him, Forgot
to email her back, Hates Frukking LSU, He's his own boss, Hates
to ride in trunk of car, Hunts bears with his bare hands, Known
as One Liner, Pisses for accuracy and distance, Favorite Song-
White Slave Honky Jive Woman, Last known address- Which State?
He travels a lot.
"Bro Rat",
AKA "Bro", AKA Dino Man, AKA Killer
Age-Quit asking, Hair-Kinda white, kinda grey, kinda curly, Eyes-See
JR. Not quite as red but mean looking, Weight-lifts weights in
spare time only, Height-Tall enough to kick Steve Krestle's ass.
Made gang members drink from gold fish pond polluted with fish
piss. Considered to be the meanest of the bunch, rather kill
you then look at you. Loves coca cola and oreo cookies. Tells
bed time stories to gang members to put them to sleep,
Plays guitar, used to sing, JR. replaced him, Broke his collar
bone, Found a girl, can name every frukking dinosaur that ever
lived and tell you its sex. Good friend of Pigpen. Favorite saying-
"The Minnow would be lost, The Minnow would be lost"
Last known address- way down there somewhere.
"Birdman",
AKA "DeadEye", AKA "Mr. Morning"
Age - older than all
of the others. Hair - that 50's something hue. Eyes - A cold
draft. Height-2 wings, Weight-enough to wake your ass up. Wakes
gang members up before dawn. Writes enough emails to be considered
for "Guiness Records" recognition. Can hit you in the
neck with a snowball from 50 yards. Just because it's warm Florida,
you're not safe from DeadEye. Clean up your thin tree limbs and
crab apples if you see this man. Loves loud Jethro Tull early
in the morning and vanilla milkshakes. Bought first slurpee ever
at Fairview 7-11. Good with lawns. Will give his front teeth
to go high jumping. Last known address - some trailer in the
mid Atlantic.
Some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty, and
they're sure as hell guilty.
Copyright MMVI Ted Rich Production,
Inc. A Fairview Gang Company! |